I can remember marrying the man of my dreams at just twenty years old, and I thought our lives would resemble the life time movies I grew up watching. You know where all you do is smile, have pleasant days and live happily ever after!
I actually thought we would return home from work each evening, have dinner and enjoy movies on the couch each night. While that was true sometimes; the fantasy I imagined was unrealistic. Girls, as we know life happens. The work days can be stressful and many times we find that we are just on different schedules and wave lengths from our spouses. The stress from work and just life’s responsibilities can bring about tension in the relationship. It has been said for many years, that disagreements over finances and sex are the main reasons we experience conflict. This doesn’t mean we don’t love each other or that we are headed for divorce court. We just have to decide that we are willing to work through our conflicts to have healthy lasting relationships.
I will share with you several proven principles we can practice to resolve conflict in our relationships regardless of if you’re fighting over money, the children or household chores. These are principles that I have applied in my own marriage for the past 27 years and I share them from Family Life, a ministry that has ministered to my family for over 50 years. I can even recall my parents listening and applying principles learned through the Family Life Ministries.
Accepting and adjusting your differences is required in resolving conflict
The long-time pinned term “opposites attract”, I have definitely found to be true. You may find that your backgrounds and personalities are so different that you wonder how and why God placed you together to begin with. It’s important to understand these differences and then be willing to accept and adjust to them.
Yes, there will be differences that your spouse has that drives you crazy or just works your nerves! Maybe you’re falling out over how finances should be handled, maybe you disagree on how the children should be disciplined or maybe your spouse likes to sleep with the television on at night, where you require a quite peaceful room while sleeping.
Regardless to what these differences are, we have to be willing to compromise with one another. Come to some type of amicable agreement to solve the issue.
In my marriage, I was always the spender, so we established in the earlier years that my husband would handle the major finances. I had to accept that budgeting and financial discipline was not my thing, but a strong point for my husband. Since the goal was to pay bills on time and not to be living outside, it was best for him to handle the finances. The key here is not to be so stubborn by ignoring that an area is a weak point for you; but still insisting to take on something you really aren’t equipped for. When it came to disciplining the children, we had a united front on how to raise and discipline them. If we disagreed on something related to discipline, we would discuss it privately from the children.
Defeating selfishness is required to resolve conflict
Our differences are magnified in marriage because they feed the biggest source of our conflict which is our selfish, sinful nature. If we’d be honest with ourselves, we are self-centered; we all instinctively look out for number one and it leads directly to conflict.
Jesus showed us the best solutions for ending selfishness. He taught us that instead of wanting to be first, we must be willing to be last. Instead of wanting to be served, we must first serve. Marriage offers a great opportunity to do something about our selfishness.
See we have to be willing to let God work on us internally. We have to be willing to make the first move especially when we are in conflict. Although, you maybe disagreeing with one another we have to deny that urge to be right and just have our own way. My parents were an excellent example for marriage to me, and my dad often said: “If you are seeking to please his needs, and he is seeking to please your needs, no one is left out”. I still hold this saying close to my heart and find I have to apply it to my own marriage when I don’t want to dismiss the urge to be selfish towards my husband.
We simply have to make up our minds that we aren’t going to let our selfish nature ruin our relationships. We have to remember why we fell in love with our spouses and ask God to give you a servant’s heart toward your spouse and you will find it out that it will be reciprocated.
Resolving conflict requires pursuit
When you are in conflict with your spouse, it’s really ok to take the initiative to resolve the difficult conflict rather than waiting on them to make the first move.
It’s a good practice to keep our relationships current. We can keep our relationships current by remaining in solid fellowship or communication daily.
Shutting down for days at a time because we’re mad just continues to fuel the fire. Don’t allow Satan to gain the victory by isolating yourself from your spouse.
Whenever we enter battles of isolation with our spouses, it can damage our relationships for years to come. It simply drives a wedge that can sometimes be irreparable.
I recall plenty of times of having to swallow my pride and say I’m sorry even when I felt like my anger was justified. While at the same time, my husband has extended the same to me.
Over the years, I have seen couples divorce over frivolous things; simply because one or both of them were too stubborn to make the first move to resolve conflict.
Loving confrontation is needed to resolve conflict
Many of us have at least that one girlfriend that can tell us the truth about ourselves and we still love them, we still hang out with them and we appreciate their ability to be honest with us. We have a tendency to call the, our “ride or die” friend. Just as we allow that one friend to confront and tell us when we are wrong, we should have that same bond and even deeper with our spouses.
However, we have to be willing to confront our spouses with grace and tactfulness. Our approach to our spouses when we need to confront them about an issue should come from a place of patience and humility. We must also use wisdom on when and how to approach our spouse about difficult issues.
I learned early in my marriage not to badger my husband with issues as soon as he walked in the door from work. It also helps to approach them when they are in a more relaxed mode and just advise that you need to talk. Girls, its all about the approach. The tone in your voice as well as tone of your body language makes a difference. If your spouse feels like he is being attacked, he may shut down or retaliate from the vibes you are giving off.
Some additional tips for confronting your spouse during conflict would be:
-check your motivation- will your words help or hurt?
-check your attitude
-check the circumstances- for example, you shouldn’t be confronting your spouse in public places or in front of family or friends
-check to see what other pressures may be present- what is the context of your spouse’s life
-listen to your spouse- if you are talking over them, nothing gets solved
-be sure you are ready to take it as well as dish it out
-stick to one issue at a time during the discussion
-focus on the problem rather than the person
-focus on the facts rather than judging motives
We have to be willing to focus on understanding our spouse rather than who is winning or losing.
Resolving conflict requires forgiveness
Regardless to how hard we try to love and please each other, we will fail. Failure can accompany hurt and the only relief for hurt is forgiveness.
An important lesson I have learned is that in order to maintain and open intimate and happy marriage is that we must be willing to ask for and grant forgiveness. The ability to do this is tied to our individual relationship with God. Jesus tells us to forgive, so that we can also be forgiven and we must do this quickly.
If you are stewing in your feelings for weeks at a time and trying to make your spouse suffer, you’re looking for many unhappy days ahead.
Forgiveness is to give up resentment and give up the desire to punish your spouse. It’s not hard; It’s an act of your will. You have to be willing to let your spouse off the hook. Forgiveness should be granted in love with a gentle spirit.
Resolving conflict requires returning a blessing for an insult
All marriages either operate on the method of “insult for insult” or “Blessing for insult” Are you constantly bickering back and forth about what he does wrong and your spouse is returning the same insult of what you do wrong? We have to stop being so proficient at trading insults! The more you yield to this type of behavior, you can begin to see your spouse as your enemy.
Girls, as we all know marriage takes work. We have to ask ourselves, is the marriage worth fighting for? We have to ask ourselves is being right and feeling justified in our actions worth causing irreparable rips in our marriages?
Ladies, we can have a loving, lasting marriages and in my 27-year journey, I have found that it works as long as we keep God in the center.